With a name like that . . .

For years we’ve maintained a pointless little file of names with a certain characteristic: They reflect the owner’s occupation.

We haven’t paid much attention to it recently, but after today’s papers we knew we had to go public. These are all real names:

How could Francine Prose not write fiction?

How could Usain Bolt not run races?

How could Storm Field not forecast weather?

How could John Fund not report for the Wall Street Journal?

How could Rick Wagoner not run General Motors? (As it turns out, by presidential directive. That’s how.)

How could Igor Judge not preside over a court? (Britain’s highest one, making him Lord Judge, the Chief Justice)

How could Chris Moneymaker not win at poker?

How could Donald Trump not operate a casino?

And what finally tipped us over? Why, today’s obit:

With a name like William Headline . . .
How could he not have been a CNN bureau chief?

It’s all in the great tradition of Major Major from Catch-22.  (Ten points for his full name and rank!)

Refile under: can’t make ‘em up

IABC awards

Strong Language doesn’t get out much, and we remain a hermit despite many attempts to reform us. Coffee and a T1 line — O wilderness were paradise enow.

Then they said, “Hey, SL, why don’t you come to the IABC awards this year? They’re called Atlanta’s Got Talent — and there’s sauce bearnaise on the menu!”

It was an invite we couldn’t decline, and it was a treat. Beautiful work well recognized —  many interesting conversations — sauce worth slurping (though we did not) — and a very funny Conn-man at the podium. And mimes.

We’re a little busy at the moment — Recession on Line 3 — but we’ll offer more substantive notes presently. (We may even tackle the mime question — an antilanguage if ever there were.)

Meanwhile, kudos to the winners, thanx to Elena and all the organizers and volunteers, and backatcha to the kindly greetings of all.

Considering how light is spent

Here’s to Dr. K at Marietta Eye. Lakshmana Kooragayala has tended Strong Language’s weak eyeballs for a few years now, and both orbs are happy with the care.

Are we being overdoctored? Our insurance company protects us from that. But today, after a follow-up appointment, we walked out with a laser-repaired retina. Had we waited, nothing might have happened. On the other hand . . .

Here’s the biscuit

Where’s the language angle? Why, John Milton. He lost his sight at 44 and wrote his famous poem soon afterward. We suffered a retinal detachment at 19, when we were immortal and incapable of poetry.

SL doesn’t do a big trade in personal items, preferring to stay focused on language. Even then, we don’t try much poetry. But when John Milton opens a door for us, we go in.

If not for Dr. K, our light might soon be spent.

Anonymouse!

This week’s New Yorker reports on a conversation with a top official at a major global financial institution who asked not to be identified “because, well, he did not want to be identified.”

It’s a refreshing jab at the New York Times, which has recently put itself through contortions to justify printing comments from anonymous sources. (There’s a history, of course — Google Jayson Blair — but it’s beyond our present porpoises.)

We’ve been monitoring the situation for you (SL at its post). The Times quotes many a source who requests anonymity because:

“He is not authorized to speak on the events.”
“The meeting was not public.”
“The subject matter is sensitive.”
. . . and so on.

Where does it end?  Before long it will be “an official who asked not to be identified because he was eating a ham sandwich.”

The New Yorker approach is better, although they backslide week-to-week. Actually, we prefer the old-fashioned approach, where a rag protects its anonymous sources without justification or apology. A journalist who makes up quotes can make up a reason for anonymity. The NYT add-ons are meaningless.

How green were the Nazis?

Every year since 1978, the Diagram Prize has recognized the most unusual title of a book published in Britain. Past winners have included such greats as

Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
How Green Were the Nazis?
People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead
How to Avoid Huge Ships

This year the prize also recognized the all-time best of the best. The winner was Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers, a title that, according to the authors, “purely describes what’s in the book.” Good enough for us.

Unsmart marketing

Next time you drop 100,000 direct mail pieces — after you’ve applied postage — put 25k in the mail and the rest in the trash. That”s apparently how the National Center for Database Marketing operates.

We received a brochure from the NCDM inviting us to that organization’s conference in Florida. In fact we received 4 separate mailings, all on the same day, each addressed to the same name but with different executive titles.

We’re flattered, of course, to be so overestimated. But Strong Language is a one-man show.

It certainly inspires confidence in the outfit’s database marketing expertise. Join up! Maybe they can help you quadruple your direct mail budget, to zero effect.

Refile under: Can’t make it up.